f 7inchSlam.com: October 2006


Balls in Your Mouth

Well, 7inchslam has been at the height of laziness lately, sorry guys! I've been working, boozing, carousing, and lying to the police, but we're back with our first appetizer for you schmucks.

Sometimes a main course isn't what you need. Maybe you're having people over and you just want to feed them something small, or maybe you need a good appetizer to compliment a good meal. Maybe you just like the feel of balls in your mouth, so we're gonna make cheese olive balls.

My mother always made these appetizers around the holidays. The holidays are a perfect time for dad to get in a fight with grandma, and for mom to use an entire stick of butter in just about every recipe. This one calls for a whole stick of butter, a whole 8oz pack of shredded cheddar, and a cup of flour. Dump all those things in a bowl and mix 'em up. Knead the dough with your hands, and if its too dry add some milk. Wrap a small amount of the dough around an olive, one at a time, until you've used up all the ingredients. I got about 30 olives done before the dough ran out. Put the olives on a baking sheet and refrigerate for at least an hour, I'm not really sure why you have to do that, but the recipe calls for it. Then bake at 375 for around 15 minutes.

If you're vegan or on a diet, stay away from these and leave more for the rest of us. This appetizer is fatty, greasy, and delicious. There's really nothing fancy going on here, this is cheesy dough wrapped around an olive, what more could you ask for? The three of us here at the joint destroyed all 30 of these within 24 hours -- arteries be damned. I went over the top with these and paired them with a homemade white pizza, breadsticks, and some secret texts. It was a winner all around.

Appetizers are a great way to get small doses of different kinds of food, and the Goner Fest 2 DVD is a great way to check out a slew of hot bands that you may not be up on yet and a few old favorites too. I copied this off a gold toothed 18 year old, and watched it twice in two days. This DVD chronicles the 2005 Memphis shindig that's a venerable who's who of garage punk losers. Goner really outdid themselves on this project, with 3 cameras and great sound, this is so much better than some crap you'd find on YouTube. You start off with the Reigning Sound doing "We Repel Each Other" and end with The Reatards doing "Bummer Bitch" and "No One Stands Me." As if that wasn't already enough southern insanity for you, The Carbonas, The Persuaders, The Jenny Jeans and the Rat Traps all have really hot songs on here. Jay Reatard doesn't have dual citizenship with Columbia yet, but he does appear on here with the Reatards, The Final Solutions, and a a hot Angry Angles jam called "You Call It Love." This DVD is really well shot, has great audio, comes with a bonus CD, and features a drunken Ryan Terrible cameo -- what more could you possibly want? This is a great DVD, pick it up from the Goner Store.

Southern cooking is terrible for your arteries, southern rock n roll fests are terrible for your liver, but they're both really, really fun. So make some appetizers for your friends, put on the Gonerfest DVD, then punch your friends in the face for never making appetizers for you.

-- Posted by John

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The 7inchslam Weekend Recovery Plan

After spending the week at your crappy job, you're ready to party down by Friday and Saturday night. You worked all week, you deserve to have some fun. You're gonna go out Friday night, see some bands, drink a ton of beers, hit up some parties, and scheme on some broads. Then you're gonna wake up Saturday and do it all over again. You're still young and stupid, this is what you should be doing.

But after a couple nights of binge drinking and not going to bed 'till after 3am, you need a day to recover. That's why Sundays exist. On the 7th day the Lord rested, and he didn't even fall down the basement stairs of some punk house the previous night like I did. On the 7th day, you need to recover from days 5 and 6.

Wake up around noon, then move from your bed to the couch. Get a glass of water and be useless for a while. Look through your phone and see how many secret texts you sent the previous night, then get your ass in the kitchen.

The Steelers were about to destroy the Chiefs, but Steve and I couldn't get anyone over for the game. Even Suzi left us on our own. Anytime you get two dudes together, you're gonna hear "dude, you're sitting too close to me on the couch!" and "dude, we need pizza." Rather than fork over the money for pizza delivery, we decided to make our own pie. We set out to create the perfect white pizza to let our bodies recover from all the dumb decisions we couldn't wait to make again.

We started with a Boboli 100% whole wheat crust, then slathered it with olive oil. Add some herbs and spices, we used red pepper flakes and oregano, then throw on plenty of freshly sliced garlic and some tomato slices. We went with a mixture of mozz and provolone for this, some parmesan or romano would've been nice too, use whatever you have. Finally, we added some sliced onion and chopped spinach. This is about as nutritious as a pizza is ever gonna get. Give it ten minutes in a 375 oven, then get ready to swear off Pizza Hut forever. After two slices of this you'll be fully recovered from your weekend debauchery, after four slices you'll be ready to get just as rowdy as you were all weekend.

So what do you listen to to recover from a weekend of fast livin'? Punk rock was what got you into this mess in the first place, so you need something your dad would listen to if he was still a badass. Around here, we would put on some Neil Young. This guy lived harder than you ever will, but still wrote some mellow jams that should always have a spot on your record shelf. Harvest has some easy going songwriting that'll get you right where you need to be by the time Heart of Gold comes on. Prairie Wind will take you deep into the depths of relaxation with It's Only a Dream then bring you right back up with some tasty harmonica licks on Far From Home. If you're still feeling the countrified hippy vibe, check out Neil's Heart of Gold DVD, which is on regular rotation here. Then put on some Creedence or The Band before you go back to your regular rotation of punk rock ragers.

When you're 17 years old you can fill every night with MD 20/20 and endless carousing, but you're not 17 anymore. You need to take some time on a Sunday afternoon to enjoy some nutritious food, easy going records, and probably a nap on the couch. By Monday morning you'll be fully recovered and ready to head to the office and look at pictures of food.

Posted by John.

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It's your special day, fancy boy.

You know, anyone who knows me knows I love myself. But life gets you down sometimes. There's not much you can do about it. Maybe it's your job you hate, or the girlfriend you don't have, or the money that disappears from the bank as soon as it shows up. Well, that's life. Suck it up. That's what I do as best I can. And I've learned a special trick to share with all you readers that will generally help you through the trying times in your life: The Special Day.

Special Agent Dale Cooper of Twin Peaks once said: "Harry, everyday, once a day, give yourself a present. Could be a fresh new shirt from the men's store, a catnap in your office, or a scalding hot cup of coffee." He's right. But I have enough shirts, only take naps when I've fallen asleep after schlogging, and I will only drink truly great coffee. However, I can treat myself with the best of them on my very own Special Day.

On this particular early morning, the infamous Ciggy and I suited up on our bikes to head down to Pittsburgh's Strip District. The Strip is where you can find Pittsburgh's cheapest and finest gourmet and ethnic foods. You want bread? They have it. Sausage? Of course. Produce? Come on... I can't do this all day. Anyways, the weather was gorgeous and we were able to sample Pittsburgh's finest espresso at La Prima Espresso. Not only do you get a great double espresso for a measly two bucks, but you can soak in the Italian ambience, hustle and bustle of the city, and listen to badass 70 year old guys talk about the old days.

We got the chance to stop at the Parma Sausage Company on Penn Avenue first, where I purchased some of the best sausage I have ever had. They had two kinds I had my eye on: the Garlic Sausage and the Hot & Spicy Sicilian. From there we headed down the street, where naturally we had to stop at the Sunseri Bros. Pennsylvania Macaroni Company; also known as the greatest food store in the history of the world.

Despite the long wait in line at the cheese section, we made out of there with tons of food at bargain basement prices. After another espresso, we were on our way home, where the true awesomeness would begin. Remember folks, both those stores need your support, order online!

I soon began crafting what would become the best sandwich I have ever made for myself. But first, John-Boy and Big Suzz and I needed some appetizers while I was taking care of business in the kitchen. I chose to start doing up a loaf of Mancini's Pesto Bread. I chopped up an entire loaf and did some finger sizes for us:

So after that, I whipped up a quick bowl of fresh tomatoes with a little oil and some onions and garlic to add to the plate. Then I sliced up some of Penn Mac's stellar fresh mozzarella. Put it all together and serve it to yourself and you'll wonder why you have the same shitty friends who wouldn't do this for you on your special day.

So after this, I decided to take it to the next level, as I am apt to do. In went the garlic sausages into the can of Pabst, up went the food boners, and then things got a little crazy.

How did I ever end up with THIS?

After boiling the sausages, I then broiled them till they were plump and dripping in the oven. Slice them in half, throw them on some Mancini bread, toss on your tomatoes, a little more oil, more of your mozz, some onions and garlic, and keep the whole thing in the oven for about five minutes. Even fresh mozz melts down well (which some disagree with), so this sandwich will be sloppy yet stay together. Top it all off with some Sriracha and that's it. Life's over. Your special day is almost complete.

After destroying this, we threw on some jams and I picked 'em, of course. That is tantamount to having your Special Day. And on your Special Day, you can listen to your favorite band no matter how sick anyone is of them. You could listen to the worst GG or Skrewdriver records and it's cool, man. I chose an old favorite that I feel does not get enough respect and adulation from the punk public in general, especially when coming from the best band of all time. The Ramones It's Alive double LP (English pressing).

I mean, hopefully you already subscribe to the theory that anyone who doesn't like the Ramones is not someone you can trust. But with this live album (their fifth if you count it), the Brudders were firing on all cylinders on a snowy London New Year's Ever. This record contains all the hits, all played by the original lineup, everything careens by you at a tempo the Ramones would perfect and eventually surpass in what I like to call "The Dark Years". Sadly, this record is tough to find on vinyl, but I was lucky to score a used copy at Pittsburgh's best punk record store Brave New World for ten bucks a few years back. You can easily grab the CD, and there's always some floating around eGay.

But I don't think you need a long explanation from me. Just get that record, get this food, make this sandwich, drink till you fall down, and just remember the words of our Special Agent. My favorite band's best record, some beers, some cigs... I'm kickin' ass. Anyone can do it. You too can be a fancy-boy and maximize the life you lead right now. If I can do it, I don't think you'll have too much of a problem. Remember, be nice to me! It's my Special Day! Till next time...

*Posted by Steve-O

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Here's to the Ladies

You're going through life trying to be as drunk, fat, stupid, and lazy as you possibly can. You're in your mid-20's and all your shirts have band logos on them, and they haven't been washed in weeks. You have no idea how to clean a bathroom. Left to your own devices, you'd be homeless and living under a bridge in about 48 hours. The only reason that you're even still alive is because some chick is kind enough to save you from your own devices.

For my first 19 years of life my mother ran my life. My goal was to try to get away with as much shitbaggery as I could, and her goal was to not let me get away with any of it. That same theme has continued, even as I've moved into several different houses and apartments with several other shitbags and luckily for all of us, several good ladies.

Last Sunday Steve and I were getting psyched for the upcoming Steeler game. We made some calls and got a few good looking broads and mustachioed dudes to come over for a little get together. Left to our own devices, we would've had plenty of Pabst Blue Ribbon -- and nothing else. The legendary Big Suzz was able to save us from our own devices and put together a great spread for all of us to enjoy. She wasn't able to do much about Ben Roethlisberger's turnovers though, unfortunately.

Suzi started off by making some excellent, and very spicy, vegetarian chili. She dropped some garlic, onions, and Morningstar ground meat into hot oil. After a few minutes, she added plenty of black beans, hot peppers, diced tomatoes, and lots and lots of chili powder and cumin. After about 3 hours of stirring and simmering and a few secret naps, the chili was ready. We had big plans for chili dogs at halftime.

While the chili was relaxing over low heat, Suzz put together some of her famous guacamole. She does everything by hand, then cranks it up a little with some super hot peppers, cock sauce and spices. This is the best guacamole you'll ever eat, or even read about on food and music blogs. One of our guests confessed that he would only eat guacamole if Suzi made it, no restaurant or grocery store could ever come close.

Our drinking and laziness continued, and somehow more and more food kept appearing in front of us. Suzi whipped up about 3 pounds worth of cheese quesadillas, which we topped with either guacamole or chili. Finally we gorged ourselves with hot dogs, available in both cruelty and cruelty-free varieties. As a salute to overindulgence, we topped these with not only chili, but also guacamole and sour cream. There comes a point in every punk rock shitbag's life where he just starts topping hot dogs with every ingredient available to him. That moment usually turns out really well, it certainly did for us.

Not only do the ladies in our pathetic lives make sure we've got plenty of spicy food available for football games, they also run some pretty awesome bands. The River City Tanlines out of Memphis, TN, are a perfect example. These guys came to Pittsburgh last winter to play a poorly attended show, then hung out with all of us rock n roll jag offs. The two fellas in the band fit in perfectly with us, we watched football, drank beers, and schemed on chicks. The two of them are southern fried shitbags of the highest order, and somehow, Alicja Trout, formerly of the Lost Sounds, puts up with them. The Tanlines have a new Dirtnap LP called I'm Your Negative which picks up with their brand of Memphis garage punk right where their 7"s left off.

So look around at your life, your band, and your apartment. Everything that's wrong with it is probably your fault. Everything that's right about anything you have is because some girl did it for you. You're not gonna clean up, sober up, or get your life together, so you better thank your lucky stars that there are girls who take care of guys like us.

Thanks ladies!

Posted by John.

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Today's Special Guests: Mike Bolam and Trouble!

We here at 7IS.com are happy to bring you our first installment of special guests with our good friend, ardent supporter, and Pittsburgh metal master Mike Bolam. You may know Mike from his earlier days in seminal Pittsburgh thrash band Crucial Unit or his current bass work in Warzone Womyn (my current favorite in Pittsburgh's DIY punk scene) or even his vocal abilities in the new grind machine of Build Your Weapons.

Mike was stoked to come over to the joint and whip us up on of the more fabulous meals I've had the pleasure of experiencing: Vietnamese hoagies! Having never had even the flesh variety, I was even more interested in seeing what vegetarian Mike would cook up for us. The answer we got was more than I bargained for, because it was so fuckin' boss.

Mike showed up at around 6 PM on Saturday, loaded to the gills with a cooler full of beer (and fancy stuff, mind you... there's no half-steppin' here), bags of eats, and a boss record for us to check out. The whole crew was here, including not only John-Boy and Hone, but also the lovely Big Suzz, who not only helped document the evening, and clean up for our guest. We (especially me) were already a little bit lubed-up before Mike had gotten there, which made our conversations a little more nonsensical and the food taste even better.

After we got ready to roll, Mike set up his ingredients, which for tonight were going to be tofu, tempeh, assorted veggies, and a gang of sauces Mike whipped up which blew our minds; two words: wasabi mayonnaise. Immediately Mike started slicing and dicing while we threw on some tunes and cracked open some beers (and a little vino).

Mike brought over some delicious Dale's Pale Ale (an IPA for for those who have never had one before... meaning it was plenty hoppy and had a nice sweetly smooth taste). However, unlike most of the fancy beers I imbibe, Dale's comes in a can and it tastes even better for it, in my opinion.

Moving on to the grub, Mike set to work chopping up his tofu, mixing up his tempeh, and getting ready to lay it all down on the stove. Pretty soon things were heating up and they smelled great. We learned that when frying tofu, the amount of oil we had used before was quite inadequate. Basically, you need to move into almost deep-frying territory. Here's what we had going for us by then:

Pretty soon our apartment was full of the smell of delicious fake meats. Mike began slicing up carrots and other assorted veggies for this sandwich, and also steaming up a vegetable I'd never had before called edamame, which looked a lot like snap peas to me, only you don't eat the husks, just the bean-like pods on the inside.

By now, the tofu was frying; we were all huddled in the kitchen, drinking, smoking, and rockin' out; and generally having a blast.

Soon, the baguettes were heated (fuck you Whole Foods!) and we were ready to throw these together and get some grub in our stomachs. Mike added his sauces and veggies (and some special sliced jalapeno, which really completed the sandwich). Here's a couple pictures of the finished product. Please excuse the lighting and blur of any of these pictures, we're wasted. That's how it works:

Look at that! Do you know how big, filling, and delicious this was?

Well, we do. We destroyed them. There was no holding back.

Moving on, Mike brought a record with him to give us a little taste of what he likes to hear when he's cooking. It turned out to be some serious metal that I put 100% behind, the Midwestern 80's doom band Trouble. We were turned onto an album called Psalm 9, which is Trouble's first LP (and also self-titled somehow... confusing). I had previously heard this band only once when Mike spun it at his Metal Night here at Pittsburgh's Smiling Moose where he spins thrash, doom, grind, death, and all the other related metals you can think of.

Anyway, Trouble blew my mind back then when he played "The Bastards Will Pay". Not only was there a nice Sabbath-y groove coursing through my veins, but the melodic leads and vocals seemed to fit right in and show you that doom was not always SunnO))) nailing black metal fops into coffins. Trouble were on Metal Blade throughout the 80's, and actually played again recently in their home city of Chicago, must to the delight of white hi-topped Hessians everywhere. This is real metal for real metalheads. Anyone here listening to Avenged Sevenfold or any of the fake Headbangers Ball-core will be disappointed and rightly so, because you're a fuckin' dork, kid.

So with full bellies and brains full of "white metal" (the tag given to Trouble by their promotions department to combat the rise of the black metal style, from what I'm told), we took to a drinkin' and a-carousin'. People showed up who I've never met before, the cops showed up to tell us to turn down the jams, I passed out on the couch, and wine, beer, water, and all sorts of other things were spilled. Mike seemed to have a great time hanging with some of his favorite scumbags and showing off his stuff. He did a great job and made us all feel a little more metal (except for Hone... he hides it well until he gets wasted, calls us all gay, then stumbles off into the night).

We'd like to thank Mike for making us some great food and playing us a great record. We had a blast! We also apologize for the photo quality this time, but I think you understand what's going on here... scumbags of the highest order. Until next time!

* Posted by Steve-O

PS: If you wanna be featured on here, let us know and we'll set it up! Or if you wanna help us get more drunk and take our photos for us, too! Thanks Mike!

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