Growing up food stamp rich in western Pennsylvania’s Fayette county, nutrition wasn’t exactly a top priority in my shitbox of a family. Amongst the destroyed Christmas trees, broken windows, welfare cheese, wrecked cars, shotguns, broken noses, small time weed dealing, Pechin’s cheeseburgers, cigarettes, Satanic Heavy Metal mayhem, dirty denim, wood’s porn, junkyard dogs, comic books and thousands of gallons of cheap beer it wasn’t too hard for a well balanced meal to get lost in the shuffle.

The majority of my young diet consisted of “free lunches”, JR Simplots microwave French Fries, generic “nacho flavored” chips, TV dinners and lots of high fructose corn syrup. Not to say that my mother couldn’t whip up a lovingly prepared, down home fried pork chop, mashed potatoes with greens and a side of cornbread type meal when she was so inclined. It’s just that she was rarely ever, “so inclined”. One of her easiest outs was the sandwich that I’m going to make for this entry.

Thanks to good ole Isaly’s, chipped ham has long been a Pittsburgh (and by extension Western Pa.) favorite. Making due with what you’ve got is often the law of the land when times are tough and we made due with chipped ham a little too much. We’d have it cold for lunch with white bread and ketchup (this hillbilly concoction still sends shivers up my spine) hopefully garnished with some chips and then we’d have it fried for dinner with a dollop of Velveeta-esque welfare cheese and mustard on toast, maybe a side of baked beans. I’m gonna make my version of the latter only slightly embellished, not to fancy up this not so classic recipe (I’ll save that bullshit for those kitsch loving dorks who think things like the Spam cookbook are quaint) but to clean out the leftover items in my fridge.

So what I started with was the basic ingredient, a quarter pound of Isaly’s chipped ham. Then I broke out what I already had, one egg, a slice of pineapple, bell peppers, chopped onions, a slice of American cheese and a sausage roll. Fry ‘em all in one large skillet, starting with the egg (with lots of pepper is the recommendation)…toss the peppers and onions on the egg and after they’ve set a little, flip, flop and fry. The chipped ham, bun and pineapple will cook quickly and can be added at the same time, don’t forget to toss a slice of cheese on the egg. Add spicy brown mustard and the sides of your choice. Pictured here are Doritos, Mountain Dew (for the childrens) and a Black Label.

My musical selection for this garbage sandwich entry is a man who should really need no introduction but I’ll give it a go anyway:

Long haired redneck, Ohio born shit kicker, Mormon, ex-con, David Allan Coe’s music has probably been talked about way more than it’s actually been heard. His filthy “party records” filled with sexual misadventure and hillbilly bumfuckery have long been the stuff of under the counter legend. However, DAC is no one trick filth pony and his solid 70’s records are some of the best outlaw country ever produced. At times boastful, angry, sad and happy he covers a lot of ground that should make anyone with a refined hillbilly, chipped ham eating taste happy. I’d especially recommend digging up the “Human Emotions” LP. The country boogie gutwrench of the track “Suicide” is itself alone worth the price of admission. Lots of false rednecks (Kid Rock, Pantera) have jumped on Coe’s bandwagon for some sort of outlaw credibility, so be sure to steer clear of anything that involves those morons. Also be wary of some of his 80’s output as Coe took a real shine to the hero of middle aged frat boys everywhere, Jimmy Buffett.

Now that your ears enjoying the sordid country waxings of David Allan Coe and your gullet is stuffed with hillbilly concoctions of mind bending proportions it’s time to settle down for some light reading. In true Fayette county fashion, I acquired these little artifacts in the great 1989 Christmas “Weed for Comics” debacle. Now DC may have had your Matter-Eater Lads, Rainbow Batmans and Arm Fall Off Boys for shear insipid four color enjoyment but those turgid characters have nothing on the psychotronic madness of the Comics Code approved SON OF SATAN!

For your studies:

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Blogger Scott Soriano said...

I have not eaten this in years but when decide you need to break out into the world of pork'n beans try

1 can of prok'n beans
1 half pound of ground beef

fry the ground beef til medium done
drain about half the fat
add pork'n beans
stir until it thickens just a bit.

eat with a loaf of french bread

your welcome

1:23 AM  
Blogger Ceaser Tits said...

Hmm...Son of Satan comics and chipped ham were enough to win me over..The gay country just gave me a bit of a tuffy in the 'ole trousers.

You have broken the wind beneath my wings 7 inch slam dudes.


4:45 PM  
Anonymous dennis said...

some great writing but thinking of Isaly's chipped makes me get all woozy...
I haven't eaten that stuff since I had an extremely heinous reddish orange projectile vomiting jag years back from that other white trash classic:
Isaly chipped ham b-bq
I love this blog
keep it up
send me a line if you ever feel like it
signing from a surprisingly non-white trash segment of the Blue Ridge mountains

2:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well Hone, you've outdone yourself again. It took a few vegetarian articles to sift through before I found what I was looking for, but it was worth the 23 seconds. And I thought you couldn't compliment DAC with anything but a blowjob while sitting in a recliner...thanks for proving me wrong.

8:38 AM  

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